Forever Young: Dean & Carol Parks
by The Great Allie
Summary: Potterverse OC story. A girl and her bonded partner have to live cursed on the fringes of Hogwarts. They embark on a series of adventures, some of which are actually related to their dilemma. It's okay, you don't have to read it.
1. What ARE Hufflepuffs, Anyway?

September 1st was an exciting day for the young people of the wizarding world, the day when they boarded the Hogwarts Express from Platform 9¾, on their way to another exciting year of learning from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Always the most excited were the first years, getting their first glimpse of the historical halls of learning, often after a lifetime of hearing stories about it's secrets and marvels from parents, relatives, and lucky older siblings who got to go there first.

Those nervous first years would be led across the lake in special boats, then brought into the Great Hall to be Sorted into their House, an exciting tradition dating back to the days of the Founders. Students hoped to be put into the Houses of their family to carry on tradition (or else as far away from their annoying older brothers or sisters as possible) and to be granted a place to finally fit in.

As usual, when the first years were lined up on the wall waiting, there was the inevitable whispering. What if we're not in the same House? What if we don't make any friends? What if, what if?

"What if we don't get sorted at all?" one whispered to his best friend.

"Naw, that doesn't happen," his friend whispered back. "My mum said so."

One of the plants along the wall shivered, and then came alive- it was Nawrocki, the lovable talking plannimal with a charming face and a winning personality, even if he was as slick as a used broomstick salesman. The kids gasped in surprise. Gasp!

"Well, far be it from me to go against your mum," he said. "Far far far _far_ be it. But it just- so- happens that it does, from time to time, turn out that someone just isn't to be sorted."

"No way."

"Yeah way." Nawrocki looked left, then right, and called the first years closest to him in a huddle. "It happened once that this girl, who came from a totally Muggle family, she showed magic powers from an early age, right? Of course that's enough to get your name down on the list from birth as long as Dumbledore's the headmaster, yeah? So, eager as you please, she boards the Hogwarts Express on the first of September, just like you- and you- and probably you," he added, pointing to a kid a few heads down the line. The kid scratched the back of his head (he wasn't actually listening to Nawrocki.)

"So, anyway," Nawrocki continued, "she's all eager, and bright-eyed bushy-tailed, and she gets in line. Then, they finally get down to her, and they call her name, it booms all over the Great Hall. She trots down to that stool, just like everyone else, and puts the hat on..."

"So? What happened?" "What'd it say?" "_What happened_?"

"The hat said, loud enough for the whole room to hear, 'I am not meant to sort this one.' And it went silent until it was put on the next head. Just like that, she was left sitting red-faced on the stool, with nowhere to go.

"Well, the teachers didn't know what to do- they hadn't seen anything like this before. But Dumbledore, being just the kind of guy he is, announced that anyone with magical talent was welcome in Hogwarts. No exceptions."

"That can't be true," said a boy. "If she didn't have a House, where did she live? Where did she go to class?"

"That's the real tragedy of it." Nawrocki shook his head and made a tsk-tsk noise with his tongue. "She had to get her education on the fringes. Sleeping in a tent on the grounds near the gamekeeper's hut, sitting in the back of a classroom with an extra seat... and that's not the worst of it."

The kids leaned in closer, eager to get more of this juicy story.

"Ever since she got to school, she was _cursed._ She never made it past second year, in a twelve-year-old body. But her brain grew up to be a young woman, twenty-one at least. Her skin went _blanche_, pure white, from all the stress even though her hair and eyes were still pigmented. She was always stuck on the fringes- she couldn't even wear the school uniform, not being a real student. She was like a ghost, only worse, because she _knew_ it was possible to break out of that prison, but every day she tried to become something and every day was the same. It was like Hell, where they can look and see God in Heaven turning his head away... and worst of all, no one knows why.

"And you want to know the scariest part?" Nawrocki finished in a low whisper.

The kids leaned in, eyes widened.

"The absolute scariest part... is that she's _**right over there**!"_

He pointed to a figure on the far wall of the Great Hall, and the first years screamed. Some of them tried to scatter, and others hid behind taller ones. Professor McGonagall had to step forward and bring order back to the group.

Nawrocki slunk off along the wall to the figure he had pointed at, who was leaning against the wall, hands behind her and one foot against the stone. She looked just as he described, white skin, brown eyes, dirty blonde hair. She also had a pair of thin silver glasses and was wearing a black knit shirt and leggings, which blended in poorly with the uniforms except for the fact that they were black.

"Do you have to do that every goddamn year?" she asked.

"It's my favorite part of the night," Nawrocki replied, grinning as wide as he could.

She shook her head, and then reached down and pat him on the head. His big, bushy leaf-ponytail sagged under her touch, but he squinted his eyes and leaned up into the touch.

"Stuff some dinner into a bag or something for me," she said, "and then we'll meet out at the tent."

* * *

Allie was her name, by the way- and she lived by herself in a magical tent that transformed into a studio apartment. A double bed, a dresser, a couch and end table, a fireplace, a closet, and a bathroom down the hall made it a cozy living space. "Better than I'd get up in the common rooms, really," she said. "Spacious and all to myself. Up there I'd be cramped. Worse, I'd always be self-conscious, you know, that my shifting is waking other people up or that I'd be stepping on other people's toes."

But she didn't deny that it was very lonely down there. It wasn't just the isolation, but also the validation of being sorted that she longed for. It would be nice for some external force to confirm that yes, she was brave, or intelligent, or ambitious, or whatever the hell Hufflepuffs are supposed to be. Instead, she was in a tent all by herself, night after night, with no one but her bonded partner Nawrocki to talk to. And it's no fun talking to him all the time. He had a bit of an attitude and a very self-centered personality. Not to mention that, as a bonded pair, they had to spend almost all of their time together and could read each others minds; as a result, they were sick of each other.

But every day she worked to lift the curse, and maybe one of these dang ol' days, it would take.

She snuggled into her bed that night, thinking about tomorrow. There should be a spot in the first Potions class, although Professor Snape didn't take too well to her just showing up and trying to throw a potion together. Maybe she could go to Herbology if he was in a particularly foul mood. Professor Sprout never minded her, and seemed to enjoy her company to the extent that anyone could enjoy her company.


	2. I'm A Mustelidae if I'm Anything

Morning always comes too quickly. Allie was up far too early, lying in bed somewhere between being awake and asleep, where her dreams got all mixed up with what was really happening. She was aware of Nawrocki dragging his pot over to the kitchenette to make himself coffee, but she also kept thinking that a bunch of faceless ghosts were swirling around in a tower.

She sat up and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. "Morning," she said in a froggy, not-yet-awake voice.

"It sure is," Nawrocki replied. He was even less of a morning person than she was.

"Couldn't sleep?" she asked.

"Mm." He poured the mug of coffee into the soil of his pot, and then leaned his head back. "Ahh, that hits the spot."

"I was dreaming about a tower. Kind of like the Griffyndor Tower on the far side, except not attached to a castle. Like a silo. Like a silo tower, you know?" Nawrocki didn't respond, so she went on. "Anyway, I dreamed that there were ghosts, all trapped in this tornado, you know? And the tornado was _in_ the tower. You know?"

"No," said Nawrocki. "Did _you_ know that there's nothing more boring than listening to someone else talk about their dreams?"

"I like listening to dreams," she said defensively. "Almost as much as I like having them. Besides, my subconscious affects you, too."

"Don't remind me." Nawrocki pulled his roots out of the pot and crawled on them like a six-legged spider. "I'm going to get some sun and some breakfast."

"Aren't they the same thing?"

He sneered- yesterday she'd made the same joke. Before that, she'd joked how he didn't need to go out finding breakfast, it came from the sky, which was why he had to separate the qualifiers like that.

He opened the flap of the tent and made to leave, but before he did he turned back and said, "You need more friends, girl." Then he left.

Allie swung her legs over the side of the bed. Time to wash and get dressed. Her pajamas were incredibly ratty, the shirt having belonged to her father before she was even born. It was nice to wash off all of the sleep sweat and change into some house-elf laundered clothes. Recently she'd gotten a new pair of black slacks that were still stiff in the seat, and a comfy poly-cotton black top to go with it. "I deserve a treat," she'd told Nawrocki as she forked over the galleons, although she never did explain why. When he'd asked, she'd answered, "Because shut up."

Nawrocki came back inside holding her boots. "You left your boots outside last night," he said.

"Well, are they all right?"

He tossed them onto the ground. "They're soaked. It rained last night, you dumb skunk."

"Don't you dare compare me to a mephitidae. I'm a mustelidae if anything."

"A skunk is a mustelidae. They're the trope namer of mustelidae."

"Yes, but they were reclassified. They're mephitidaes now, and I'm still a mustelidae."

"You're a hominidae," Nawrocki told her, "and you left your boots out in the rain."

"Okay, where are my saddle shoes?"

"I don't know, I'm not a shoe rack."

"I _asked_ you to remember where I put them!"

"And _I _told _you_ that I'm not a shoe rack!"

Allie ended up tearing the tent apart, finally finding her shoes in the refrigerator.

* * *

"How they got there, I'll never know. Anyway, that's why I'm late for class today."

Allie finished her story and looked up expectantly at Professor Snape, whose face was absolutely stoic. The assembled Potions class, Slytherans and Gryffindors, were staring at her as if she were the craziest thing to ever exist (which is of course ridiculous- she doesn't even top the lovable tanuki, that Japanese raccoon dog whose mythical counterpart has testicles that can stretch out to the size of a thousand tatami mats. Although to be fair, no Westerner can ever hope to top any of the craziness that comes out of Japan.)

Snape let her story settle in the room before he decided to justify her story with an answer. "That was certainly a very long story." He paused. "I think you could have left out the conversation about scientific classification without losing anything important to the story."

"It was integral to the plot," she replied.

Snape nodded once. "Very well. Then I'll take away ten points for your being late, ten for disrupting class in session, and five for the ridiculously long story. That makes twenty-five points you've lost for Gryffindor."

The Gryffindors immediately protested. "What?" "That's not fair!" "She's not even _in_ Gryffindor!"

"What that guy said," said Allie. "I'm not actually a Gryffindor."

"Do you want to make it fifty?"

She hung her head. "No, sir."

"Then sit down in the back of the room and be quiet."

She hung her head and shuffled to the back row, empty except for Nawrocki who was trying his darnedest not to crack up. Allie sat down in her seat and took out her potion things as quietly as she could as Snape continued his lecture on whatever potion they were making that day.

"Smooth," said Nawrocki, watching her.

"Shut up."

"I especially like the part where you explained how I didn't put your boots away because I'm not actually a shoe tree."

"I said shut up."

Snape raised his voice. "There is no talking in my class. Ten more points."

The Gryffindors booed her.

_It's not fair,_ she said to Nawrocki using the link that only a bonded pair can use to communicate with each other. _Why does he always pick on everybody?_

_That's his way,_ said Nawrocki. _Fish gotta swim, hippogriffs gotta fly, and Snape's gotta be the way he is._

_He's a royal jerk!_ Allie was scowling, slamming her tools around and separating the ingredients she needed for her potion. _He's a first-class meanie. It's probably because he never got hugged enough when he was a kid. People who get enough hugs don't grow up to be world-class meanies._

_That may be true, _said Nawrocki, looking out over the classroom. _The idea certainly has some merit, I'll give you that. By the by,_ he added distantly, _you do realize that Snape is a master Occlumens and could read everything going on in this conversation if he was so inclined... and also that he's looking this way._

Allie looked up and found herself making eye contact with Snape (it lasted only a moment- it was incredibly difficult for her to make and maintain eye contact.)

_Oh gosh, oh gosh, what do I do what do I do?_

_Clear your mind, dingbat. Or at least stop thinking about him!_

_ALL THE SCHOOLKIDS SO SICK OF BOOKS, THEY LIKE THE PUNK AND THE METAL BANDS  
__WHEN THE BUZZER RINGS, OH WAY OH, THEY'RE WALKING LIKE AN EGYPTIAN  
__ALL THE KIDS IN THE MARKETPLACE SAY WAY OH WAY OH WAY OH WAY OH  
__WALK LIKE AN EGYPTIAN!_

"He's looking at the board," Nawrocki muttered out of the corner of his mouth. "Just focus on your potion."

For the remainder of the period, Allie meticulously separated her ingredients, stirred the potion, and checked the instructions. Potions came naturally to her because it was so exact- she was the kind of person who dealt in specifics. In fact it was much easier for her to sprinkle ¼ tsp mandrake root powder when the stock reached a temperature of 373.15 Kelvin exactly than to just "sprinkle in a pinch of mandrake root powder when the stock begins to boil."

Of course, no matter how perfect her potion turned out it would do her nothing. She was not a part of this class, and even if Snape didn't hate her for being an annoying, needy brat he would hate her for squatting in one of his classes. She did have a report card and transcript, but it amounted to nothing if she could not age up, move up, or otherwise get herself out of the second year. So it came as no surprise that when class was over, he simply vanished her potion without a word.

She scowled as she walked him walk away before she started packing up. _My point still stands, you know,_ she said to Nawrocki. _I seriously don't think that man gets hugged enough. And I think someone ought to fix that._ When Nawrocki raised an eyebrow, she explained, _I think we ought to give him some hugs, you know? Then maybe he won't be so unhappy._

_Okay, that's fine, but he's looking at you again._

Allie fell out of her seat.

_RAH RAH AH AH AH ROMA ROMAMA GA GA OOH LA LA IS HE STILL THERE?_

_No. He left._

_Oh. Oh, good._

_Yeah. And, for the record, I'm going to kill you if you start singing that song again._

_Sorry. I panicked._


	3. Pat Benatar Isn't Really a Career Choice

Nawrocki was crawling down the corridors of Hogwarts by himself, looking off into the distance and humming to himself. As he went, he passed by a group of three third-year Ravenclaw girls.

"Pardon me, ladies," said Nawrocki.

The girls stared at him, and then whispered to each other. Then the designated representative said, "Um, what do you need?"

"I'm looking for my bonded partner, she's severed ties and is hiding somewhere in the castle... perhaps you've seen her? About yae high, snow white skin, not in uniform, no boobs to speak of?"

"Um... no, I haven't seen anyone like that."

Before the girl had even finished answering, a fist came from out of nowhere, down upon Nawrocki's head and clonked him a good one. Then the rest of Allie appeared. "You shut up about my boobs," she said.

Nawrocki rubbed his head. "Knew that'd get you." He turned to the Ravenclaws. "Sorry, hon, I was just using you as bait. Thanks, though. Now go on to class before you're late."

The girls huddled and left, and now Allie and Nawrocki were alone together.

"I didn't know you could go invisible."

"I can't go invisible and move at the same time very well."

"Anyway, now that I found you, I have to give you this." He removed a note from the folds of his leaves and handed it to her.

"No, no, don't give it to me," Allie moaned, pushing it away. "I don't want it."

"You don't even know what it is."

"I know exactly what it is, and I don't want it."

Nawrocki grabbed her hand and thrust the letter into it, closing her hand tightly. "Ah-ha! It's _your_ problem now!" He started to skitter away, but she crammed the letter into one of the bands on his neck, and he stopped.

"Take it!" she pleaded. "I can't do it. I know what's in the letter and I can't do it."

"Oh, come on, it's just from Dumbledore. It's not like he's going to give you a root canal or anything."

"A root canal I could handle," said Allie. "That's a walk in the park compared to this. There's no way I'm going to do it."

Nawrocki smirked.

"Stop that," Allie snapped.

"Come on," he said, playfully. "Do it for me?"

"No way. Every time I do something for you, it turns out all the worse for me."

"Okay, then, if you won't do it for me... then will you do it for Diana Ross?"

Allie looked confused at first, but then realization dawned on her- and then fear. "Oh, no. No- don't do it, Nawrocki."

"Well? Will you do it for Diana Ross?"

"You know the storm that that will unleash!"

Nawrocki cleared his throat and began to sing a sweet, beautiful song:  
_If We Hold On Together  
I know our dreams will never die  
Dreams see us through to forever  
as clouds roll by  
For you and I..._

"All right! All right!" Allie cut him off. She was wiping her eyes, which were overflowing with tears. Apparently that song was more than enough to turn on the waterworks for her. "I'll do it. For Diana Ross." She sniffled. Nawrocki handed her a handkerchief, and she wiped the mucus off of her nose. She blotted her splotchy face, and then straightened up. "Okay... okay. I'm ready."

Allie turned back to look at the letter. She knew it was from the headmaster, and she had been dreading the thought of it. First she looked left, then right, to assure herself that the coast was clear. Then she pressed her back against the wall and ever so carefully opened the letter.

_Hello, Allie  
__I would like to speak to you regarding your continuing education here at Hogwarts. Please meet me in my office at your earliest convenience.  
__Dumbledore_

She crinkled up the letter and stuffed it into her pocket. Darn. Her earliest "convenience" was never, but she was even more afraid of upsetting Dumbledore than she was of meeting with him. So she began to trudge the long walk to the stone gargoyle that defended the door to his office. Nawrocki, being a first-class jerk, didn't accompany her for moral support.

When she got to the gargoyle, she just looked up at it. It looked back down at her, a fixed expression that she could swear was silently mocking her.

Finally, the gargoyle said, "Password."

"Phantasmagora," said Allie.

"No."

"Maureen McVerry."

"No."

"Pumpkin Pastries."

The gargoyle jumped aside and let her climb the stairs. Finally, she arrived at the door. Knock once, then again, and let herself in.

"So Nawrocki found you, then, did he?" She found Dumbledore sitting at his desk. "I thought you'd be arriving right about now."

"Mmph." Allie was staring at the surface of the desk, completely unable to make eye contact.

"Please, have a seat."

She sat in the nearest chair without ever moving her eyes from that one fixed spot. "Mmph,"

"You've been a student here for quite a while, if I'm not mistaken."

"Mm-hmm."

"I understand you're under some sort of a curse?"

She pinched her face up. "Whatever you've heard about me, it's not true."

"I only meant that-"

"Nobody cut my heart out and put it in a box, so you can just forget that!"

"I wasn't implying-"

"And I don't know _anything_ about shaving an angora goat to make black market mohair!"

Dumbledore raised his voice slightly, just enough to be heard over her frantic noises. "I'd like to stress the fact that you're not in any sort of trouble."

Allie's face flushed, and she looked off to the left. Fawkes the phoenix was preening on his stand nearby. He glanced at her briefly, and then went back to his own phoenix business.

"I only mention it because it seems you've been here for quite some time."

"Yeah... uh, yeah."

"And you seem to be stuck in one place. I theorize that this is because you lack direction?"

"Yeah, I'm just sort of treading water."

"Hm." He nodded. "Now, normally for students of Hogwarts, new classes are added to their schedules for the third year, and during fifth year they are given career advice. We've never had a case of someone unable to move out of the second year."

"Quite frankly," said Allie, "it doesn't make any sense. Nawrocki says it's because time is an abstract concept understood to be moving in one direction due to mankind's limited perception. I think it's because the school is a complex organism that's come to hate me."

"It's my understanding," said Dumbledore slowly, "that magic is at play that neither of us fully understand. Whatever the reason, you're trapped in time and has failed to reach either of the two milestones I mentioned."

"Uh, yeah."

Dumbledore smiled at her. "I was only wondering, how badly do you want to reach those milestones?"

"Um... very, very badly, sir?"

"I hoped so." Dumbledore left a lull in the conversation before continuing. "If you're serious about moving forward, then I'd like to recommend you for career advice."

"I'd like that, sir," Allie said quickly, "but that's usually handled by the student's head of house, and I don't have one."

"What I'd like for you to do," said Dumbledore, "is to write down any career choices you're considering, and give the parchment to Nawrocki. He knows what to do with it. After that, you'll receive an owl letting you know the date and time of your appointment, along with the name of the professor who will discuss them with you."

"...That's... that's it?"

"That's it."

Allie nodded once. "Okay... but... how come you called me into your inner sanctum for just this short meeting?"

"I just wanted to have a look at you," Dumbledore replied. "You're a bit more cursed than I remember."

She glared. "I told you, nobody cut out my-"

Dumbledore waved his hand. "Don't worry, nobody's accusing you of having your heart removed from your chest to create an invincible mortal vessel, but having the procedure go terribly wrong leaving you vulnerable though unable to be killed, while the heart remains missing yet hidden, while you worry that any moment it could be destroyed and you would die."

There was an uncomfortable silence.

* * *

Allie threw open the tent flaps and dove onto her bed, hiding her head under the pillow. Nearby, Nawrocki was reading the latest issue of the Quibbler. "How'd it go?" he asked idly.

"He creeps me _right_ the _fk_ out."

Nawrocki closed the magazine and tossed it aside. "He's got your number, doesn't he?"

She peeked out from the pillow. "Yeah, but you took my heart out _after_ I got stuck in time like this, so it's not like the two things are related."

"Hm." Nawrocki crawled over to the bed and lifted up the pillow. "So, are you going to give me your career choices?"

"No."

"Aw, come on. It would really be in your best interest, you know." He smirked.

"I'm not gonna."

"Come on. Do it, if not for me, then for yourself."

"I like myself the way I am just fine, thank you."

"You do not."

"All the more reason not to do anything for me. I mean, what have I done for me lately?"

"Would you do it for Diana Ross?"

"No way. Not even for Diana Ross."

"What about Jodi Benson? Would you do it for Jodi Benson?"

"Nope."

"What if she was asking you with Gary Imnhoff?"

"N- um... noooo?"

Nawrocki began to sing a different song:  
_Let Me Be Your Wings  
__Let me be your only love  
__Get ready for another world of wondrous things  
__We'll see the universe and dance on Saturn's rings  
__Heaven isn't too far-_

She hit him with the pillow, now tearing up uncontrollably again. "All right! … If it's for Jodi Benson and Gary Imnhoff... then I guess I can take one for the team."

He opened the tent door and ushered her out, zipping it closed behind her. "There's nothing she won't do for sappy Award Bait songs," he said to himself as he settled back down with the Quibbler.

* * *

Three days later, Allie was instructed to meet Professor McGonagall in her office. She knocked politely, and let herself in.

"You wanted to see me, Professor McGoggalor?" she asked nervously.

"Yes. Please, have a seat."

Allie sat down across from her, flashing back to her meeting with Dumbledore. Something about these teachers just weirded her out.

"Let's get started," said Professor McGonagall in her usual professional manner. She didn't seem to notice or care that she'd just been called something that was certainly not her name. "Nawrocki delivered this list to me, of things you wanted to be when you were finished with school. Shall I read it back to you?"

Allie shifted. "Um... might as well."

McGonagall looked at her from over her glasses, and then turned back to the list. She was reading it out loud, in the hopes that Allie would realize how ridiculous it was if she heard it out loud. "Yes. It says here that you want to be: a wizard astronaut... a political cartoonist... a panhandler... the official wizard of Sullivan Bluth Studios... Pat Benatar... a secret agent with the cover of political cartoonist... professor of awesomeology... zombie... zombie _hunter..._ another panhandler... apprentice wandmaker... and an accountant."

She looked up at Allie, who shifted uncomfortably in her seat. After a time, it became apparent that McGonagall was was waiting for her to speak first. She cleared her throat and said, "Ahem, well... I'll admit that some of those are more realistic than others... but... is there anything we can work with?"

McGonagall looked back at her list. "Currently there is no such institution intending to send wizards into outer space... we don't appoint 'official wizards' to Muggle animation houses, especially not ones going bankrupt... I don't recommend becoming a panhandler..." She paused. "Pat Benatar, I believe, is a Muggle entertainer?"

"Yeah."

Professor McGonagall sighed and put the paper down. "I'm afraid that if you're not going to take this seriously, there's really very little that I can do for you."

Allie hung her head. At least she had the good form to feel shame.

"If you decide you want to try again, then you may make another appointment to meet with me. Until then, please don't waste your time and mine with these absurd notions."

Allie got up and scuttled out of the room.

Professor McGonagall folded the letter in half and tucked it in her desk. In the event that she returned, it would be nice to show her how much she'd progressed, if indeed she really did ever progress. Well, there's always hope.


	4. Singin' a Funky Gunky Song

Professor Snape was running another tight potions class, having them do a long and complicated potion in a shortened class period. Most of the students agreed that he did this to torment them, as it was next to impossible for anyone who wasn't already a master of potions to produce a halfway decent Truncation Solution in just over forty-five minutes. A defender of Snape would say that he was pushing them to their limits to find their full academic potential; of course, there no defenders of Snape here to say it.

He walked up and down the aisles, peering into cauldrons and scowling. Some potions were so terrible that he simply vanished them without a word. Those unlucky students had to start over, knowing they would get a zero for the day no matter what. Failure to continue working would lose them points for their house, and the only thing worse than being a loser to yourself is being a loser to everyone else.

When Snape reached the back of the room, where Allie and Nawrocki set up shop, he stopped. Her cauldron was not full of runny brown liquid, as it ought to be at the early stage. Instead it was full of a lively, bouncy purple sludge sloshing around the cauldron of it's own accord.

"What is this?"

"Smooze," Allie replied matter-of-factly.

"I see. And did you not read on the board that today we are preparing a Truncation Potion, used to shorten ailments in the drinker?"

"I saw." Allie shrugged. "You vanished my potion for no reason and I didn't have time to start a new one."

"Your potion was unsatisfactory."

"My potion was textbook." She held up the book and pointed to the picture.

"I shall be the one to determine whether or not a potion is prepared correctly according to the textbook. I'm deducting ten points for failure to obey classroom procedure, and another five for misuse of classroom resources." He tapped the side of her cauldron and the Smooze disappeared.

"My Smooze!"

"Get out of my classroom, and don't come back until you're ready to to take it seriously." He turned and left, back to the front of the classroom.

Fuming, Allie began to pack up her supplies, slamming everything as she went. She broke two quills and cracked her container of beetle eyes before she was finished. Nawrocki hopped up on her shoulders after she swung her satchel over her shoulder and began to storm out. When she opened the door she paused, turned back, and shouted, "I never take anything seriously, so I don't know why you should be so special!" Then she left, slamming the door shut behind her so hard that it bounced right back open again.

Allie ran all the way back to her tent without stopping, until she could throw herself onto her bed, put a silencing charm on herself, smush her face into her pillow, and scream herself hoarse.

Nawrocki sat on the stool by the fireplace, stirring the ashes, as she lay there with her face buried in the bed. It took several minutes before she was able to raise her head.

"You're not upset, are you?" Nawrocki said dryly.

Allie started talking, but the silencing charm was still in effect and her mouth flapped wordlessly. Realizing this, she tapped her throat with her wand and said, "He is the most meanest person in the world!"

"Well, no one's forcing you to go to his class," said Nawrocki.

"I want to finish school."

"You shouldn't be misusing classroom resources."

"They were my things!"

"You were using the class's table, and the class's time. And some of those ingredients were from the class store."

"My throat hurts."

"Gee, I wonder why."

Allie continued to sulk in the tent for the remainder of the morning. By then her throat was bothering her so much that she had to go up to the hospital wing and get something to soothe it. Nawrocki stayed behind, reading _Travels__with__Trolls__._

Once he had some peace and quiet for a bit, Allie came back to ruin it. "Welcome back!" she shouted.

"You mean 'I'm back,'" said Nawrocki, fishing around for his bookmark. "And I see your throat is feeling better."

"Loads," she answered. "And guess what?"

"What?"

"On my way back here I had the best idea ever. We're going to get back at Professor Snack for being a meanie."

"Snape," said Nawrocki.

"Yeah, but that's my little nickname for him."

"You're a fool."

"Well, you're the imaginary friend of a fool."

"I thought you said he needed to be hugged more."

"I don't care."

"I thought you said that revenge always makes you feel empty inside because it doesn't accomplish anything and it's never as good as you'd like it to be."

"Right, revenge is like sex," said Allie. "But sometimes you need a pity lay."

"That's very gross. Don't ever talk about sex again."

"Okay." Allie was rummaging through her satchel, pulling out her parchments, some books, and her little potions box. She frowned and dumped everything onto the ground. More potions came out, smashed, as well as a lot of crumbs.

"Crumbs," said Allie.

"That'll be from all the snacking you do," Nawrocki said.

"I do not snack."

"You do nothing _but_snack."

Allie found what she was looking for- a wrinkled and torn piece of paper that had been mashed into the bottom of her backpack. "Nawrocki, can you copy this onto a fresh parchment for me while I set up here?"

"No," he replied. "I can't read your handwriting."

She shoved it towards him. He rolled his eyes and took it. "What is this, anyway?"

"It's my recipe for Smooze."

"I thought you were just making it up as you went along."

"No. I got some instructions off the Internet."

"You can't use the Internet on Hogwart's grounds because your computer wouldn't work."

"I got it off the Wizard Internet."

"There is no such thing."

"Then tell me, where did I get my Smooze recipe?" She crossed her arms defiantly.

Nawrocki met her glare. "You made it up," he said flatly.

"Oh, go and soak your head in a bucket of farts." She grabbed her paper back and smoothed it out. "I'm going to be here doing serious things."

"You're making a witches brew from the My Little Pony movie. That's a serious thing now?" He peered into the empty cauldron. "Why are you making Smooze, anyway?"

"Haven't you heard the news?" Allie looked up, making a surprised face.

Nawrocki frowned. "Um, no. What are you talking about?"

"Nothing can stop the Smooze," she said.

Nawrocki grabbed the pillow off her bed and gave her a good whack across the face. This started a ten-minute pillow fight that petered out into a nap, before Allie finally got around to making that batch of Smooze.

* * *

Late that night, when Hogwarts had gone to bed, Allie and Nawrocki crept up the grounds and into the castle. Allie was carrying a small cauldron, the size of a child's toy. Inside was the Smooze, playfully sloshing itself around. Other than them, it was still, and so quiet that Allie's ears were ringing almost deafeningly.

_Be __silent__, __now__,_ Allie said to Nawrocki.

_I __will__. __Will __you__?_ He replied with a cocky sort of grin.

_I __promise __to __you __I __will __be __exactly __as __careful __as __I __always __am__._

_I __didn__'__t __expect __anything __else__._

They tiptoed through the main entryway and started to head down into the dungeons. Allie crept along as softly as she could, while still making time- after all, she could be silent if she had all the time in the world but this was not _The __Tell__-__Tale __Heart_ where she could take an hour to open a door. She exercised enough care that the paintings were not awakened and the suits of armor were not disturbed.

Then, all of a sudden, she rounded a corner and tripped over Mrs. Norris.

"Son of a bitch!" She cried out in a whisper as she went sprawling. Her left shoulder landed on Nawrocki, who let out his own custom string of obscenities. Her hands were so used to doing damage control while her body was falling that they knew how to keep the cauldron facing upwards, and not a drop of Smooze was spilled.

On the ground, she found herself looking Mrs. Norris right in the eye. The cat looked almost smug, as if she were aware that she had the upper hand. Allie shifted nervously, freeing Nawrocki in the process. He rubbed his snout and looked first at Allie, then at Mrs. Norris.

Nawrocki reached his hands out and held them over Mrs. Norris's head. He muttered something as softly as he could. Mrs. Norris stretched her front legs out, yawning a cat yawn so big that it looked like her lower jaw was unhinging like a snakes. She lay down on her side without turning around once or bedding down the ground. Within moments, fast even for a cat, she was sound asleep.

_Nice __one__,_ said Allie.

_Creatures __like __me __have __our __own __way __when __it __comes __to __magic_, he replied. A_nd __given __that __all __is __now __still __as __it __was __before__, __I __suppose __no __one __heard __your __most __unladylike __outburst__._

_Well__, __that__'__s __not __fair__,_ said Allie as she stood up and adjusted her clothes. _I __only __said __the __bitch __word__. __You __said __the __eff __word__, __the __cee __word__, __the __gee__-__dee __word__, __and __all __sorts __of __ones __I __didn__'__t __quite __catch__._

_Yes__, __but __I__'__m __not __a __lady__,_ Nawrocki replied matter-of-factly.

_Oh__, __of __course__._

They made it the rest of the way to Snape's classroom without incident. She let herself in and quietly closed the door behind them.

"So what's the plan?" Nawrocki whispered, climbing up onto the table where she now set the cauldron.

_Now __I __dump __it __out__,_ said Allie, _and once it's free from the protective anti- Smooze coating of my cauldron, it gets to __wreak __havoc __all __the __heck __over __Snape__'__s __room__. Then he'll see that Smooze is Serious Business,__and __boy __he__'__ll __ever __be __sorry __that __he __messed __with __the __Great __Allie__._

"Funny," said Nawrocki, now at his normal speaking volume. "I would think that if you were really so Great, you wouldn't keep coming up with such phenomenally retarded plans."

_Don__'__t __you __dare __ever __use __that __word __again__._

"What, retarded?"

_No__, __phenomenally__. __It__'__s __a __stupid __word__._

"Oh, of course."

_Also __retarded__. __It__'__s __not __for __you__. __It__'__s __for __us__._

"Of course. Whatever was I thinking. Now are you going to dump the Smooze out or are we going to banter playfully all night?"

Allie scowled at him, then held the cauldron in front of her at arm's length and dumped the Smooze on the ground. It sloshed around and started to spread, but then it just sort of stopped and began to congeal.

Nawrocki hopped down onto the floor next to it and tapped it. "It's not a good batch," he decided.

_I __don__'__t __understand__. __I __did __everything __right__._

"Did you remember the floom?" Nawrocki asked sarcastically.

_You __keep __quiet__. __And __don__'__t __use __your __voice__. __We__'__re __here __in __secret__, __remember__?_

"I don't think that will be a problem anymore."

Allie jumped a mile out of her skin, because that wasn't Nawrocki talking at all. Dreading what she was to see, she turned around slowly and saw Professor Snape standing in the room, arms folded and looking as Snape-y as ever.

"Oh. Hello, Professor. Having a nice evening?"

"I was tallying the potion stocks when I heard the sound of arguments and of a poorly-prepared potion failing."

"How can you hear failure?" she asked crossly.

"So, would you like to tell me what, exactly, you were doing in my classroom in the middle of the night?"

"Uh... um... uhhh..." Allie fished around for her words, her eyes darting everywhere, unable to focus on anything. They grazed Nawrocki, who just shrugged sympathetically.

Then Allie was seized with inspiration. She approached the Professor and just threw her arms around him, squeezing him into the biggest hug she could manage.

When she let go, she looked up at him and saw that his face had not changed. "That's detention for you," he said, "and if you ever do that again I'll see you expelled."

"Yes, Professor."

"Go back to bed."

Allie scooped up Nawrocki and her cauldron and scuttled away, banging her hip on the corner of a table as she hastily made her exit. After she was gone Snape scooped up the Smooze, now rock hard, and examined it. It really was poorly prepared, he decided, but it was interesting when a student showed initiative, even if she chose a poor venue to execute it. He vanished the Smooze and didn't give it another thought, nor did his mind go back to the surprise hug at all.


	5. Forest Wa Itsumo Hare Nochi Allie

As per the curriculum of Hogwart's classes, Hagrid had to teach at least one Care of Magical Creatures class that didn't involve a creature that was both able and willing to disembowel the students during the demonstration. Seeing as how they'd had positive reception in the past, Hagrid brought in unicorns. Of course, he never did see the appeal in them- they were nice, sure, but not nearly as good as, say, dragons. The kids liked them, though, especially the girls, and that was what really counted, that the kids were enjoying his class and learning from it.

"Come up close," he said to the girls. "They like yeh, I can tell." And he began his lecture on them, reading from his textbook the passage dedicated to explaining what unicorns were, because in all honesty he didn't know a durn thing about them.

"Can we feed them?" asked one of the girls.

"'Course yeh can," said Hagrid, "That's part of caring for them."

"What do they eat?"

"That's somethin' you'll have to look up for yourself," Hagrid said in the best authoritative way his gruff voice had.

"Is that because you don't know?" the girl asked plainly.

"Don't make me take points from yeh."

She looked down into her textbook and read aloud, "In the wild, unicorns have been known to eat a mixture of wild grass, fruits, and grains, although their main died consists of-"

The class was interrupted by a loud unzipping noise, the comically overstated sounds of canvas flapping against canvas, and shouting: "Well, maybe I don't give a flip what you think anyway!... Why don't you just shut up?" and Allie storming out of the tent in her pajamas. She pulled a cigarette out and put it in her mouth, muttered, "_Incendio_," and lit it with the tip of her wand.

After a drag, she looked up and saw the entire class, teacher included, was staring at her with a mixture of surprise and amusement. She looked down at herself- her feet were bare, her pink pajama pants were full of holes, and her shirt was absurd. Then she looked back up, staring the class in the face with a sheepish sort of grin. "Hi," she said. "I'm Allie. And, um..." She straightend her shirt so they could see the print on it. "This is Pac-Man. From his cartoon man show."

Hagrid spoke up. "As a teacher, I should prob'ly say that there's no smoking on school grounds."

"It's not real," said Allie. She crushed the cigarette in her fist and opened her hand- it was gone. Then suddenly she grabbed her wrist. "Ah! Oh! Right! I forgot! The fire was real, though! Ow ow ow ow ow that was stupid." She shook her hand, and then suddenly seemed to forget the fact that she had a huge blister in her palm.

The kids laughed.

"Don't laugh at me you little nose-boogers."

Hagrid held his hands out. "Back to the lesson!"

One of the boys, who wasn't a fan of unicorns, had taken the distraction as an opportunity to pick up a rock. Just then, he tossed it underhand, not very hard, but enough so that when it hit the unicorn's haunches, it startled the poor thing terribly. It reared up and went galloping off into the woods. The others began to stamp anxiously.

"Easy, easy," said Hagrid, trying to get a handle on the situation. "Now I'll show yeh how to calm a heard of 'em. If yeh didn't scare that one into runnin' away, it wouldn't be as hard."

"I'll find her and bring her back," Allie piped up. Before he could reply, she ducked back into the tent and threw on some socks and her saddle shoes. Then she tried to take her pajama pants off to change into jeans, found that she was doing this backwards, took off the shoes, and started over. This time she went jeans first but forgot the shoes. When she was done, still in her pajama shirt, she went running off into the Forbidden Forest, where the unicorn had gone.

She ran at top speed for as long as she could, over the roots and debris of the forest floor, humming loudly the theme from the first level of Sonic the Hedgehog, which was a good running song. When she could no longer run she slowed to a walk, gasping for breath, and found she had to switch to a walking song.

___A-ru-kou, a-ru-kou, 'tashi wa genki!_  
_Let's go walking, you and me, ready, set, come on, let's go..._

"Unicorns," she called softly, "Olly olly oxen free... unicorn free... or something, I dunno..."

A twig snapped. Allie spun around and saw a heard of centaurs in the trees. "Whozat?" she yelped.

"This is centaur ground," said the centaur Bane. "Your kind is not allowed here."

"I'm looking for a unicorn," said Allie. "It got scared and ran away."

"So you barged into the forest to reclaim ownership of a so-called lesser creature? That is just like a wizard." He pawed at the dirt. "You are fortunate that we do not harm foals..."

"But Bane," said another centaur, "this one is not a foal. She is cursed to appears as one but she is more than capable of making her own decisions.

"Thanks a lot," said Allie. "What happened to you, centaurs? You used to be cool."

"What are you talking about?" Bane asked, irritated.

"What happened to the centaurs of ancient Greece I read about on all those vases? Partying for months at a time drinking barrels of wine, crashing the parties of the Greeks, taking over, and carrying off the women. Now you just wander around the forest, babble about the stars, and hate everyone."

"How dare you show that sort of disrespect to us!"

"You were rude to me first."

"Your people have pushed us back for generations and you have the gall to-"

"They're not her people," the other centaur spoke up again. "She is not of a wizard community. They make her live in a tent."

"Right," said Allie, "so there's nothing you can do to me that life hasn't already done."

Bane nodded thoughtfully. "Very well. We shall allow you passage on this land. But do not linger."

"M'kay, thanks."

The centaurs took off, and Allie waved after them. "Be safe! Do your best!" They didn't reply, so Allie turned her thoughts away from them.

She continued through the forest. The shadows played tricks on her, pretending to be monsters, and hiding roots to trip her as she walked. Every sound was a knife out of nowhere, hurled directly at her. Tiny little thorns in the ground turned into iron railroad spikes in her feet.

And finally, all of it came to a head. She slipped and fell to her hands and knees, getting dirt all over Pac-Man. "Nice," she grumbled.

Then she heard a low, guttural roar from behind. She moved upright off her hands, going rigid. "T- Totoro?" she called out hopefully. She turned around slowly, rolling from on her knees to her backside, looking up into it.

And what an IT it was! Black like a stagehand's uniform, shapeless like smoke, it bore down on her with rows of gleaming fangs and piercing red eyes. It's roar sounded like something otherworldly, a steam engine that could cry out in suffering or the very sound of fear. The worst of all was the presence it was radiating, something that Allie had never felt before but immediately filled her with the worst sense of dread, panic, and hopelessness that she'd ever felt.

"AAAAHHHH!" That, though, was Allie. She screamed, scrambled to her feet, and ran, all at the same time. After three false starts she was off, ignoring the railroad spikes in her feet and the shadows trying to trip her. She ran at top speed, no running song, just blind panic, until she found her way out of the forest, back to Hagrid's cabin.

"Oh, good, yer back!" Hagrid called happily. He pointed to the unicorns. "She came back on 'er own just after you left. How d'ya like that?"

But Allie didn't stop. She ran, not yet slowing down but running faster without the forest getting in her way. Her legs might have been exhausted, but all the adrenaline from the fear and exercise were blocking the soreness from her awareness. When she got to the castle, she slammed into the door at top speed, coming for the first time to a full stop. She clawed the door open and found it almost impossible to start running again, but still she staggered down the hall until she collided with someone and fell down into a heap onto the floor.

"Well, well, well," said the someone, who turned out to be Professor Snape.

"Three holes with water in them," Allie replied between gasps for air.

"You still owe me a detention," said Snape. "Why haven't you showed up?"

"Because I hate you." Pant, gasp, pant.

He grabbed her by the arm and hauled her to her feet. "Get up," he snarled.

As soon as she got up, she went down. Her legs buckled of their own accord. "Sorry," she wheezed. "I just ran for my life... saw a monster."

"Really," said Snape, amused. "Was it a frightening painting? Or perhaps a children's storybook with an unpleasant ending?"

"Did Nawrocki tell you how easily I used to scare?"

McGonagall came into the hall from a staircase. "What's going on?" she asked.

"Miss Allie is here, improperly attired, and seeking negative attention."

Allie became aware of her pajama. She blushed dark pink and looked at her bare feet. However, she spoke with conviction: "I saw a monster."

"A monster?" McGonagall seemed concerned. "What sort of monster? One of Hagrids?"

"No... from the forest..."

Snape interrupted. "And what were you doing in the Forbidden Forest?"

"Helping Hagrid... that's not important."

McGonagall helped Allie stand up, and this time she stayed up. "Tell me what you saw," said McGonagall. "What sort of creature was it?"

Allie started to gesture wildly as she fished for a description. "It was black... and big... and hard... shiny, smelly... and it made a strange noise!"

McGonagall and Snape glanced at each other and then stared at Allie, baffled. "So... a bear?" said Snape.

"No! And how do you even get that reference?" She shook her head. "Wait, forget it. It was just... this... thing! I don't know how to explain it but it was radiating a presence of pure EVIL. Not just that it _was_evil, but it was so evil that it sucked all the goodness out of it. You have to believe me- this wasn't just an Aranchuler or chupacabra. This was evil."

"Evil... you're not trying to imply that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-"

Allie was already shaking her head. "No. It was even worse, if that's possible. It was like, if Voldemort, and Darth Vader, and Saurman of Many Colors, and SATAN all got together on one big scale of evil!"

"Enough!" Snape turned to McGonagall. "Obviously she's causing a disturbance on purpose. It would be best not to give her any notice."

McGonagall ignored him. "You did the right thing, coming here to tell a teacher. Now we'll take care of it from here."

"Okay."

"Now go back to your tent and wash up. This morning's excursion seems to have made you filthy."

"I'm not going back to that tent," said Allie quickly, here eyes widening. "Then there'd be nothing between me and that THING but a thin wall of canvas! It's not even very good canvas."

"Your tent is under the same protective enchantments as the castle itself," McGonagall assured her. "Do you think Dumbledore would really leave a student outside with no protection other than canvas? Even a student as... unconventional as yourself?"

"I don't understand anything that man does, and besides, he scares me."

McGonagall ushered Allie along. "Go on back, now," she said, "and maybe I'll see you in Transfiguration this afternoon."

"Don't bother showing up to Potions," Snape warned.

"Wasn't planning on it, asshole," she said back, and ducked out before a stern reprimand could reach her.

* * *

Allie went home and had a good, long soak in her tub, washing away all the dirt, sweat, and fear from that morning's romp. After drying off and dressing in her usual crude imitation of the Hogwart's uniform, she felt somewhat better.

Nawrocki was relaxing by the fire on a soft chair bag, his roots hanging free. His pot was overturned nearby. Allie frowned, and then turned the pot back up. She waved her wand and mumbled some sort of incantation, and the dirt haphazardly flung itself back into the pot. Most of it hit its target, and for the rest Allie just summoned a broom and dustpan (_"__Accio __broom__! __Accio __dustpan__!"_) and swept it up.

"How novel," said Nawrocki dryly as she finished. "A woman cleaning."

"You shut your goddamn mouth right now," she snapped. "I'm still mad at you for this morning. And you clearly don't care because you haven't said six words to me since I came back."

Nawrocki looked at her curiously, then counted on his digits. "Well, I'm not sorry," he said afterwards.

"In the future, I'd like you to kindly keep your comments about the size of my butt to yourself."

"You mean not call you a fatass?"

"Yes. Don't call me a fatass."

"I'll call you a fatass if I want to, Fatass. _Cul__-__gros__._"

"And don't you dare insult me in other languages. I'm sick of your attitude and I'm having a very bad day."

"How bad?"

"I met a big monster in the woods."

"Was it a scary painting, or a children's-"

"Don't bother, Snape beat you to it."

"Hmph. Well, anyway, it's a dark and scary forest, and you're a bonehead. It was probably just something that already lives there. You shouldn't be messing around in that place anyway."

"Look, you weren't there so you didn't feel it. But this thing of evil, this... this Darth Satanmort of Many Colors is serious business. Serious. Business."

"... did you just say-"

"And it's going to take some sort of powerful magic force to bring it down. Or maybe some sort of Batman..."

"Will you take a pill? There's nothing to be afraid of."

"Sure there is."

"Then ignore it and think about something else."

"Okay, Mr. Smarty-plants, if you're so certain that there's nothing out there to be afraid of, then come back with me."

"Fine, I will. But if we don't find anything like what you're saying, then you have to stop talking about it. No- better yet- put a big piece of Spell-o-tape over your mouth and keep it there for two days."

"Fine. But if I'm right and Darth Satanmort is out there, then... then you have to come to Hogsmeade with me and sing the male accompaniment to 'Paradise by the Dashboard Light' by Meatloaf."

Nawrocki balked. "Whaaat? But that song's about car sex!"

"'Smatter? 'Fraid you'll lose?"

"No way!"

Allie summoned her black hoodie, slipped it on, and zipped it up to her throat in the most dramatic way possible. "Then let's roll," she said darkly, tossing the hood over her head.

* * *

Allie didn't remember the path she'd taken that morning when she was looking for the unicorn, so they had taken to wandering around aimlessly, Nawrocki riding shotgun on her shoulder. A ways in they passed the centaurs, who nodded to her and continued on their own way.

"You have an in with the centaurs?" Nawrocki asked her.

"Sort of. I have their pity."

"Well, that's kind of cool, I guess." He tilted his chin up and looked over his snout at his surroundings. "Whereabouts do you think you saw this thing?"

"I can't tell."

Nawrocki nodded slowly. Then he said, "Know why that is?"

"Shut up, Nawrocki."

"'Cause it ain't here. It was probably a rabbit or something."

"A rabbit that screams like a train whistle and radiates fear."

"Didn't they have one of those things in _Watership Down_?"

Allie shrugged. "I dunno, I never read the book."

"I was talking about the movie."

"That doesn't have anything to do with the situation at hand, or anything at Hogwarts."

Nawrocki accepted that. He settled down, resting his chin on the top of her head. Then, somewhat curious, he tugged at the slack on her hood. "What's with the hoodie?"

"It's my Hoodie of Power," she said. "It's a magical relic that protects me from all evil."

Nawrocki tilted his stem backwards until his eyes lined up with her back. Then he pulled himself back up and put his face next to hers. "It's got Jack Skellington on it."

"Yes it does."

"Hot Topic selling magical relics now, then?"

"For your information, it's from the Disney Store, the Studio D collection, and yes it is a magical relic. It traveled back in time to whatever year in the '90s this is to protect me."

"The hoodie traveled back in time by itself?"

"Yes. Yes it did." She showed him the tag with the copyright notice on it. "See?"

"So... it's a time-traveling relic. Doesn't mean it protects you from evil."

"But it's so _snug_."

"Uh-huh." He looked off in some other direction. "You do realize that magical relics have actual rules, even in this world? You can't just make random crap up."

"The hoodie is magical." Allie said it with such finality that Nawrocki decided to drop it. Instead he he looked off into the distance, trying his hardest to ignore her. Allie went back to watching her feet on the uneven ground, and she heard the distinctive sound of tape ripping off itself. She glanced at him, but he just tucked it innocently into his foliage and looked off in some other direction.

They both heard a low, guttural growl. Allie froze.

"You heard that," she said.

Nawrocki nodded. "Sure did," he said, "but it wasn't from the pits of Hell itself."

"Give it a minute."

**groooOOOOh**... _**groooOOOOH**_**-****OOOOoooh**...

Allie ducked behind a tree, Nawrocki still perched on her shoulder. "Maybe it's Totoro," Nawrocki offered helpfully.

"That's what I thought at first, too," she said.

Slowly it took form in the shadows, and Allie realized this time that it was taking form from the shadows themselves. Same glowing eyes, same gnashing teeth...

… same feeling of being in the presence of pure evil.

She looked at Nawrocki, who was watching with his already enormous eyes bugged out to enormous proportions. His jaw was slack.

"See what I mean?" Allie whispered.

Nawrocki nodded.

Allie grabbed him, tucked him under her arm, and took off running at top speed, just as before.

* * *

She skidded into the tent and waved her wand, causing it to zip up immediately behind them. Then she tossed Nawrocki into the ground. "Touchdown!" she said, panting.

Nawrocki rubbed his head. "I'm not a football," he mumbled.

"You suck like football," Allie offered helpfully.

"Stop talking about how much I suck."

"That's the only thing that's staving off a full-blown panic attack. And besides, you called me fatass so now we're even."

"I already said I'd stop doing that, what happened to forgiveness?"

"You said no such thing. I know you'd have no intention of stopping even if you did say it."

"You can read me like a book, fatass."

Allie knelt down on the ground in front of him. "So, you know what this means now, right?"

"You were wrong about your magic hoodie," said Nawrocki, still rubbing his bottom. "You didn't seem too confident about it protecting you."

"Of course not, Nawrocki, that was a lie. Do you know what this _really _means?"

"That the end of the world is coming, right?"

"Well, yeah, big time. But it means something even bigger than that."

* * *

Rosemerta stepped out back with the trash from the Three Broomsticks. The crowd was suprisingly light all of a sudden, but she didn't think anything of it until she saw a very thick crowd gathered around outside. Curiously, she approached the crowd. "What's going on?" she asked the nearest person.

"You have _got _to see this," he replied.

In the center of the crowd, on a makeshift wooden platform edged in a ring of small stones, was Allie and Nawrocki. Out of nowhere came music, and the two of them were singing at the top of their voice (and not, as is proper, from the diaphragm)

**_I gotta know right now_**  
**_Do you love me? Will you love me forever?_**  
_(Let me sleep on it, baby, baby)_  
**_Do you need me? Will you never leave me?_**  
_(Let me sleep on it)_  
**_Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?_**  
_(Let me sleep on it, I'll give you an answer)_  
**_Will you take me away and will you make me your wife?_**  
_(In the morning, the morning, I'll tell you in the morning!)_  
**_I gotta know right now before we go any further_**  
**_Do you love me, will you love me forever?_**

"That's the third time this has happened," said Rosemerta. "Poor bloke must have lost a bet."

"Better than when she made him sing that song about the summer nights," said the other wizard.


	6. Diagonally Yours

After Allie and Nawrocki's impromptu concert ended, they disappeared the stage and sat down on the benches in the village, leaning back and watching the world go by. Nawrocki settled his roots into the dirt and looked off over the heads of everyone, watching something only he could see. Allie was smoking another imaginary cigarette, arms as crossed as they could be.

**"**Want a butterbeer?" she asked at last.

Nawrocki took a moment to answer, but he did in the affirmative. "Sure."

She scooped him up and took him into the Three Broomsticks, where they found a table to themselves in the corner. "I'll get us some drinks."

She met Rosemerta at the bar. "Two butterbeers, si vous please."

**"**First round's on the house," Rosemerta replied with a smirk. "After your song ended, everyone outside came in here. Haven't been that busy in a while. Tell your imaginary friend he can feel free to lose a bet any time."

Allie took them, but still tipped her 20% of the cost (as she had been taught to) and brought them back to the table. Inside, she didn't have any more to say than outside, and Nawrocki just stuffed his snout into the mug and drank.

When his drink was gone, he looked up at Allie, the mug still stuck over his face. She hadn't touched her butterbeer yet. "Penny fo' ya thoughts," he said.

**"**Do you think David Bowie could take Marilyn Manson in a fight?"

**"**I dunno," said Nawrocki, "why those two?"

**"**I think it's been brewing for a while now. I bet David Bowie's got some secret mission."

**"**Well, I have no idea. I thought you would be thinking about that abomination we just ran away from."

**"**I'm trying not to," said Allie. "In fact, I don't think I'm going back to Hogwarts until that whole ordeal is settled."

**"**Oh?" Nawrocki pulled the mug off of his nose and took Allie's. She didn't notice, so he stuffed his snout in that one, too.

**"**Yeah. I'm too scared. I don't know what it was and I don't know if they'll find out. What if they don't even look?"

**"**You know what you should do?" Nawrocki said, although his voice was a bit muffled as it was full of butterbeer which turned into backwash in his mug. "Talk to Dumbledore."

**"**No way. The only thing scarier than Darth Satanmort is me talking to Professor Bumblebee."

**"**Dumbledore."

**"**Dumble-door."

**"**I like Professor Bumblebee better, actually."

**"**I don't."

**"**So." Nawrocki gave the mug a quick tug, and it popped off his nose and landed sideways on the table. "If you don't go back to school, where will you go?"

Allie batted the empty mug with her hand. It rolled over to the edge of the table, she caught it, and set it upright. "Probably Diagon Alley," she decided.

**"**That's all the way back in London," said Nawrocki. "How you gonna get there?"

**"**Dunno. Maybe a bus?" She looked up. "Do you think Catbus would take us?"

**"**I doubt it," said Nawrocki. "I think he's in the Saitama Prefecture. You'd better just call the Knight Bus."

**"**Hm."

Nawrocki reached his hand out and tilted Allie's chin to look him in the eyes. "But do me one big huge favor first, will you?"

**"**What's that?"

**"**Would you please talk to Dumbledore before you go?"

**"**Why do you want me to do that?"

**"**Just go through the motions of handling this like a mature person, all right? I think it's a big step for you."

Allie nodded slowly. Then she stood up.

**"**Are we going?"

**"**No. I'm going to order another butterbeer. That first one didn't go down well."

Nawrocki looked at his empty mug, then back at her. "Uh... yeah, could you get me one too?"

**"**No prob, Bob," she said, reaching into her coin pouch. "Moocher."

**"**Dropout."

* * *

As she promised, Allie went to speak to Dumbledore. Nawrocki, who seemed to have an "in" with him, dragged her to his office, almost more literally than figuratively, and she met with him for the second time in this story, standing on the floor shaking in her boots (which she had not left out in the rain again.)

**"**Nawrocki said you had something to ask me?" Dumbledore said pleasantly from his seat at his desk.

**"**Um... yeah..." she mumbled, staring at her feet, hands behind her back. "I was just wondering..." She found her nerve and looked up, looked him straight in the eye- then promptly lost her nerve again and said, "Whether you think Catbus is in the Saitama Prefecture?"

**"**I can't say that I know for sure," said Dumbledore, "although that sounds like a place he would be."

**"**Yeah, I was thinking it was either Saitama or the Aichi Prefecture, but now that I think about it Aichi is where Akira Toriyama was born... although he was a country bumpkin, and _Tonari no Totoro_took place in the country...that must be why I got them confused..."

**"**But of course," Dumbledore interrupted as politely as you could interrupt a rambler, "you didn't come here to discuss Japanese geography with me, did you?"

**"**Um, no sir. I just wanted to ask you about Darth Satanmort of Many Colors."

Dumbledore looked confused at first, but then he understood. "Oh, I see. The monster you saw. Minerva mentioned you'd given it a funny name."

**"**It's pure evil."

**"**Well, you'll be happy to know that a preliminary search of the forest turned up no such monster."

**"**Nothing that had a formless body and radiated evil?"

**"**Not even an unpleasant pixie."

**"**Oh, that's good."

**"**I thought you'd be happy to hear that," said Dumbledore. "I also assume that you don't believe me?"

**"**I don't know what to believe," said Allie. "I'm scared of whatever it was. I don't know what it is or why it's so scary, but it's the most horrible thing I ever saw. I think that because you didn't find it, that's actually a bad thing, not a good thing. It means that it might still exist and know _how not to be found._Which is bad. You dig what I'm saying, sir?"

**"**I do," said Dumbledore. "And I assure you, you are perfectly safe as long as you remain on Hogwarts ground and don't go into the Forbidden Forest."

**"**Gotchya, professor. No more chasing unicorns."

**"**Correct."

She began to edge backwards, hoping desperately to signal that she wanted the meeting to be over.

**"**I would like to ask you one thing, though," said Dumbledore.

_Crap_, thought Allie.

**"**I was wondering, recently, when exactly you lost track of your heart?"

**"**Not... uh, not too long after I got here..." she mumbled.

Nawrocki spoke up. "She lost it during-" but Allie clapped her hand over his snout and squeezed it so tightly his eyes bulged. "It's in my Gringotts vault!" she said in an unnaturally loud voice. "You know... somewhere it'll be safe. And the only thing that can open it is a talking key. I only said it was lost because..."

Dumbledore was quiet, looking at her as if he fully expected her to finish the sentence for him. Allie flashed all her teeth in what was clearly supposed to be a smile, but looked more like a grimace. Dumbledore didn't say anything, so eventually Allie said, "May I be excused?"

**"**If you're sure that's the only reason you came all this way to see me," said Dumbledore, still pleasant.

Allie nodded and then ducked behind the door. Her footsteps echoed against the stone walls of the castle stairwell.

Nawrocki stayed behind. He watched the door for a while, and then looked back at Dumbledore. he was about to say something when Dumbledore spoke: "You will watch out for her, won't you?"

**"**Of course," said Nawrocki.

**"**I sense that difficult times are upon her... and I'm far too busy taking care of the main story to handle any subplots that you two might be involved in."

**"**Don't worry sir. She's in good hands." Nawrocki cupped his hands together as a gesture, even though his hands were really more just leaves.

**"**Send me an owl when she decides to return here, would you?"

Nawrocki blinked. "Not a thing goes on in this castle that you don't know about, does it?"

**"**Not a thing," replied Dumbledore, "and to make matters more interesting, you were in Hogsmeade when you were discussing that."

Nawrocki stared at Dumbledore, tilting his chin up slightly. Then he nodded slowly. Finally he said, "I can see why you creep her out so badly."

* * *

Eventually Nawrocki made his way back to the tent and was pleased to find that it was still pitched, meaning she hadn't left him behind. He had barely taken two steps in when he tripped over a heap on the floor. Pulling himself back up, he rolled over and saw the heap was Allie in her "uniform."

**"**What's the big idea laying in the doorway like that?" he asked.

Allie answered him, but it was muffled because her face was in the ground.

Nawrocki groaned in annoyance. "What?"

Allie tilted her head just barely so that she wasn't eating the floor and said, "Murder victim."

**"**Murder victim?"

**"**Yes. I've been killed by an Unforgivable Curse. Now I'm rotting to become part of the Earth. If you hold the fort here for too long in the Wizarding War and you run out of supplies you'll have to eat my body for sustenance."

**"**I'm not going to do that."

**"**Then will you step over my body?"

**"**That neither." Nawrocki gave her a hefty kick. "So what's the deal?"

Allie sat up. "I'm packing up all my stuff," she said, motioning to her steamer trunk, opened and empty in the middle of the grounds.

Nawrocki looked around at the room, which was still full of clutter on the floor and in the corners. "I can see that," he said. "I can tell because of how empty this place feels.

**"**Oh, ha, ha, ha," said Allie sarcastically. Then she stood up, pulled out her magic wand, waved it, and began to sing:

_Hockety pockety wockety wack_**  
**_Abracabra dabra nack_**  
**_Shrink in size very small_**  
**_We've got to save enough room for all_**  
**_Higitus Figitus migitus mum_**  
**_Prestidigitonium!_**  
**_Alicafez balacazez_**  
**_Malacamez meripides_**  
**_Hockety pockety wockety wack_**  
**_That's the way we have to pack_**  
**_Higitus Figitus migitus mum_**  
**_Prestidigitonium!_

When she had finished singing, she looked around the tent to admire her handiwork. Namely, that absolutely nothing had so much as twitched, let alone shrank and packed itself.

**"**Guess you'll have to do it the Muggle way," said Nawrocki, scooping up an armload of dirty laundry. One by one, he turned the clothes inside-out so they wouldn't be confused with clean clothes, and then folded them neatly so they would take up little space.

**"**Fine," said Allie. "Well, I need to change into some clean clothes first. My regular clothes get muddy whenever I play Murder Victim. Also, let me know if you see my Wandering Hat."

**"**Your 'wandering hat?'" Nawrocki paused from his folding to look up at her, one eye ridge raised.

**"**The Greek fisherman's cap," she clarified.

**"**Ah."

Allie disappeared into the bathroom and didn't come out until Nawrocki had finished folding her clothes, something he figured she didn't do on purpose. She was very easily distracted by mirrors and her own face, namely playing with her eyes and looking at her irises and teeth. He was mildly surprised when she came out, then, to see her hair pulled into a messy braid. She must have been working very hard on that. Also she had changed clothes into something more colorful.

**"**I'm tired of wearing black all the time," said Allie. "I want to show off my House colors."

**"**You don't have a house."

**"**I do, though," said Allie. "Tent Allie House."

**"**The colors are... pink and brown?"

**"**Yes sir they are."

Nawrocki nodded in approval. "Pink and brown actually look pretty good together."

**"**Yeah, if you do pink at the top and brown at the bottom it gives your whole body a balanced appearance." She began to randomly stuff things into her trunk. Nawrocki began to inspect the corners of the room and under fixtures to make sure she didn't leave behind anything that was out of sight and out of mind.

Eventually she flipped the trunk shut, locked it, charmed the locks, and then charmed the whole thing to be light as a feather. She then tucked her wand into it's carrying pouch and tied the strings of the pouch to her belt loop. "Well, soldier, ready to go?"

**"**Get your wand back out," said Nawrocki. "You'll need it to call the bus."

**"**Right," she said, taking the wand out. "Well, let's get tonight."

By now, it was night outside. The moon was high up in the air, lighting the Hogwarts grounds nicely. Allie was pulling the light trunk behind her, and Nawrocki was riding on the top. "Do we need to say goodbye to anybody?" asked Nawrocki.

**"**I don't think so," Allie replied. "I don't think anybody cares what happens to us."

**"**You, maybe. I'm pretty popular myself."

**"**Whatever you say."

Allie dragged the trunk all the way to Hogsmeade, and she and Nawrocki were silent the whole way. It wasn't a difficult trick, although Allie wished that the trunk still had wheels on it because, light as it was, it was still difficult to drag a giant trunk all the way from the school to the village. They arrived just as the last shop was closing for business.

**"**Ready?"

Nawrocki nodded once. Allie held up her wand, stuck it out like so, and-

-_CRACK_-

the bus came to a rolling stop just next to her and the doors opened. Stan Shunpike gave his introductory spiel. Allie reached into her moneypouch and retrieved one galleon and thirteen sickles. "Here you go," she said. "Thank you."

**"**It's gonna be a while," said Ernie. "We've got a lot of stops ahead of yours."

**"**That's okay," said Allie. "I'm going nowhere in a hurry. Then she dragged her trunk over to a four-poster bed."

Nawrocki crawled under her bed and snuggled up tight. "Yes," he said. "This is good." He took a quick catnap that might have lasted about half an hour, but then suddenly became disturbed. He felt an enormous distress, like one he couldn't imagine, like the weight of the world was pressing on his head like a giant thumb, or else someone was hiding weights in his ponytail to see if he'd notice. He crawled out from under the bed slowly, looking around. He knew Allie must be feeling incredibly depressed, and their psychic link was spilling over all the depression she couldn't handle onto him.

**"**Hello?" he said, trying not to be too loud in case anyone else had already settled down for the night.

He saw Allie, sitting on the bed, leaning against the window and looking longingly out at the street and scenery that was rushing past. When the bus made wild turns or maneuvers, she didn't even seem to notice. Nawrocki climbed up and sat next to her on the bed. "You okay?" he asked.

Allie didn't answer him right away. She looked out the window for another minute or two, then took a deep breath, sighed, and said simply:

_When I am gone_**  
**_Let Shepard decorate my tomb_**  
**_And put (if there is room)_**  
**_Two pictures on the stone:_**  
**_Piglet from page one hundred eleven_**  
**_And Pooh-an'-Piglet walking (157)_**  
**_And Peter, thinking they are my own_**  
**_Will welcome me to Heaven_

She didn't seem to want to say anything else on her own. Nawrocki tilted his head a bit. "A.A. Milne?" he asked.

She nodded vacantly.

Nawrocki leaned his head against her until the emotional pain seemed to crush him less so. They rode the rest of the way to London in silence.

* * *

It was sometime between night and morning when the Knight Bus finally made its stop at the Leaky Cauldron and Allie and Nawrocki couldn't get off fast enough.

**"**We'll need a room," said Allie.

**"**You're loaded with all that money from our last business venture," said Nawrocki. "We have plenty of cash to stay here for a while."

**"**No, I mean... how do you rent a room at an inn after normal business hours? Is that allowed? Do you have to wait until opening?"

**"**Depends on the place," said Nawrocki.

**"**I'm talking about _this _place."

**"**Dunno," said Nawrocki. He let himself and Allie in. "Door's unlocked." Inside at the counter, Nawrocki touched Allie's wand and made a sound like a bell. "Yeah, hi, we're gonna need a room for the next couple of nights. Cash up front." He gestured to the counter, and Allie put a night's worth of money on the counter. "Do me a solid, would you?"

A room key dropped from thin air and landed on the counter just as the money disappeared. Nawrocki scooped up the key and handed it to Allie. "There you go. Problem solved."

**"**Not really," said Allie. "None of my problems are solved. Ever."

**"**You're just depressed because it's dark outside."


End file.
